Useless Tips to Chatting

I've chatted a long time and I've learnt a few things. One being that I have yet to see an actual 'guide' for the poor unsuspecting 'newbie' out there taking the time to find their way into a chatroom to 'see what the fuss is all about'.

Well, there is either no actual guide or I need to get my butt out of chat rooms long enough to have a look on the net! However, I digress. Here's not so much a 'guide' but at least a few useless tips that may or may not assist in the attainment of glory through chatting.

Finding the perfect room is always a challenge. You can search and search for just the right one. A good rule of thumb is to find the room that is usually the most active. Keep in mind that age may be a factor in your choice. The 'older' rooms tend to have the most seasoned chatters. They can be more relaxed and far inaway funnier. A more 'youthful' room, means attitude, learning gangsta wannabe language and working on how to show the room your balls are bigger than everyone elses.

When stepping into the room, get to know the layout of the room. Where the bathroom is.. where is the 'goodgirl' and 'badgirl' couches are located, where the spa is and what is especially handy is working out how fast the bouncer is. In the event of a hasty exit, if you can't get past the bouncer, knowing where the closest open window always helps.

Desperation on a chatter is noticeable. Much like stanky feet and badbreath. It leaves a definite impression. No-one likes a 'whiner'. Not in life and certainly not in chat where attention spans last only as long as the scroll of a page. So, here remember - whining = chat suicide.

Now, they say that 'opinions' are like arses, everyone has one, having said that how many people do you know walk up to you and bare their arse? Be a little tactful with regards to your opinions.

So now you're in the chat room, find yourself a good position. One where you can see all the goings on of the room itself. For the men, It's a good idea to keep your back to a wall. There are a few extremely friendly fellows that don't seem to care that you're the same sex. For the women, it's a good idea to keep your back to a wall. All the fellows in there are friendly.

Now is a good time to say something. Usually 'hi' would suffice. However, its absolutely vital that you don't follow up with 'asl'. Not unless you wish to impose an instant death sentence to any further potential chatting. Don't be detered if no-one says hi back to you, some rooms are tough that way.

Helpful things to remember when in a chat room for the first time is to watch the room a bit. Select the one person that is always answering everyone and start directing your commentary to that persons posts. Remember to be funny. Don't be afraid to make yourself look like an idiot. This seems to endear the room to you quickly.

Learning the vernacular is always helpful. 'afk', 'brb', 'hagd', 'yfl', 'pmsl', 'lmao'. These strange combination of letters are means of preventing RSI from continuous typing in long form. Aren't they brilliant?!?

'A picture paints a thousand words', never truer words were spoken. It always helps having an great photo on your profile. If you're smart, you would have filled this out prior to entering the room. Humour will get you far but a great picture would get your further. Please note: chatters appreciate pictures of you more so than pictures of your second cousin.

It's not going to kill you to have a few more details than where you come from and what your age is. Yes it answers the dreaded 'asl' question but please, humour the room with something. Letting people know about your fear of bunny ears or intense desire to lick the tops of milk caps. Where this is strange and just a tad freaky it would at least provide some enlightenment and insight into the workings of your mind. Don't be afraid, even if what you say makes others afraid.

Okay, well folks, there you go. Tari's useless guide into chatting. It show's I really know a lot about nothing and am willing to share.

If, in following this activity, you were successful in working your way into the hearts and minds of the room regulars, quite frankly I'll be amazed that my advice worked. If not successful and you went down in a blaze of glory, then... what the hell were you doing following my advice any way??

Anyway, the least I can do is wish you the very best luck in your endeavours, so...

The best of luck to ya!